TEXT: “ Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: And they shall become ONE FLESH”.
STUDY OUTLINE:
1. Aim of study.
2. Definition of terms.
3. Introduction of lesson.
4. Marriage and family as God ordained it.
5. How child raising can affect marriage.
6. Effective ways of raising children in a united, happy family.
7. Conclusion.
1. AIM OF STUDY;
The aim of this study is to strengthen marriage which is the foundation of the family; and in turn strengthen the family, the foundation of the society by creating a proper bond between parents and children in order to improve the world around us.
2. DEFINITION OF TERMS:
• Dangers: “The possibility of suffering harm or injury:”
• Allow: “To give permission to someone to do something, or do not prevent something from happening”.
• Children: ‘Young persons especially between infancy and puberty”
• Marriage: “ A legally accepted relationship between two people in which they live together”.
DEFINITION OF TOPIC:
The harm or injury married couples and their families stand to suffer when they give permission to or do not prevent their children, (infant young and adult) from disturbing their marriage.
3. INTRODUCTION OF LESSON:
When people marry, they are usually in love and happy to be tying the knot. But sooner than later, things tend to change. On the average, couples satisfaction
with the marriage decline as they welcome a child to their midst. As they bond with their child grows, it’s likely that their other relationships are deteriorating.
The consequences of the strain caused by the arrival of children in marriage can be serious. This may lead to physical and mental health problems; and ultimately the misery of divorce and untimely death.
Few marriages may improve once the children leave the nest. But in many other cases, the successful launch of the children leads spouses to discover they have little or nothing of interests to share and there is nothing keeping them together.
The aim of this study therefore, is to strengthen marriage which is the foundation of the family; and in turn strengthen the family, the foundation of the society by creating a proper bonding between parents and children in order to improve the world around us.
4. MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AS GOD ORDAINED IT:
God ordained marriage and family to be the foundation of human society and all subsequent societal institutions. Marriage is the gift of the exclusive union of one man and one woman, (Gen 2: 18 – 24) which, in God’s eternal plan is meant to reflect the loving relationship between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:22 – 32).
God purposed that the institution of marriage would serve as a means of companionship, reproduction, the preservation of the Christian religion, sexual intimacy and sexual purity.
Fig 1.
+=
Family
(H) (W)(Couple)
A husband, as God ordained leader in the family, is to love and serve his wife as
Christ love and served the church. A Christian wife, in turn respects and submits to her husband even as the church respects and submits to Christ.
Fig 2.
(H) (W)
(Husband and wife after marriage).
In the parenting relationship, Christian fathers and mothers – as two complementary parties are to be mutually committed to the God – appointed commission of exhorting, discipline and training their Christian children.
Christian fathers and mothers are to create a loving environment in which their children may grow spiritually through a diligent use of God’s appointed means of grace (Deut. 6:4 – 9), without allowing the children to come in between them or influence their loving romantic marriage relationship in any way.
Fig 3.
(CH) (H) (W) (CH)
(Marriage and family as God ordained it)
5. HOW CHILD RAISING CAN AFFECT MARRIAGE:
For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: “ The Relationship between Spouses suffer once children come along”. Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steeps for couples who have children than for childless couples.
In the event that a pregnancy is unplanned, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship.
Let us look at some ways these negative impact can be experienced :
1. Addition / Arrival of a baby changes the dynamics of the household.
2. Misplaced priority in the relationship and preventing
3. Conflicting parenting styles .
4. Competitive parenting instead of cooperative.
1. ADDITIONAL / ARRIVALS OF A BABY CHANGES THE DYNAMIC OF THE HOUSEHOLD:
Like I said earlier, adding a baby to a household is going to change its dynamics.
Indeed, the arrival of children changes how couples interact. Parents often become distant and business like with each other as they attend to the details of parenting. Basic things like keeping kids fed, bathed and clothed take energy, time and resolve. In the effort to keep the family running smoothly, parents discuss school pickups, and shopping runs, instead of sharing the latest gossips or their thoughts on presidential elections. Questions about one’s day are replaced with questions about whether this diaper is ok or not.
These changes can be profound. Fundamental identities may shift – from wife to mother, or, at a more intimate level, from lovers to parents.
Arrival of children in marriage predicts less relationship satisfaction and sex. Beyond sexual intimacy, new parents tend to stop saying and doing the little things that please their spouses. Flirty texts are replaced with messages that read like, a shopping receipt, baby items etc.
Fig 4.
Gap
(H) (Ch) (W)
(Arrival of a baby changes the dynamics of the household).
2. MISPLACED PRIORITY IN THE COUPLES PARENTING RELATIONSHIP:
One of the biggest problems of blended families is misplaced priorities – when a husband or wife puts their children ahead of their spouses. It is one of the most common reasons for conflict, distress, loneliness, distance, separation and divorces in marriage. As a preacher, I have counseled many blended couples,
and I have seen this child – over – spouse choice as the catalyst of division in their blended families and marriages.
I teach a lot about priorities in marriage. I believe that next to your relationship with Christ, the most important priority in marriage is your relationship with your spouse.
Children and extended family fall below those two things. If other things take precedence then the enemy (the Devil) can sneak in and wreak havoc on your marriage, blended family and relationships. Anyone or anything that comes before your spouse - Including your children – can lead to resentment, doubt, fear and anger in your spouse, and it can create division in your marriage. In Mk. 3:25, Jesus said, “ And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand”.
Fig 5. Fig 6.
Gap Gap
H C (W) C(H) in-law (W)
(Misplaced priority in parenting)
3. CONFLICTING PARENTING STYLES:
Differences in parenting styles have created a great divide in many married couples relationships. You got married because you had fun together, you laughed together, you traveled and shared a love adventures.
Now you had children, then there is always this argument, disagreement and conflict on how authoritarian (strict) or how permissive (indulgent) a spouse is in their parenting style between married couples.
Authoritarian (strict parenting style) is seen when a couple is rigid about rules, demands and is punitive in order to teach children lessons.
While permissive (indulgent parenting style) is seen when parents allow their children a lot of latitude with little or no structure. These two styles when taken to
the extreme can turn children against parents in the end, apart from the already existing conflict between the couples on the choice of parenting styles.
The best parenting style I always advice bounded couples is the Authoritative Parenting Style. Here parents have a reasonable expectations of their children, and understand how to provide support for their children as well, while working together as partners in the parenting process.
Fig 7.
Divide
(H) (Ch) (Ch) (W)
(Authoritarian styles) (permissive styles)
(Conflicting parenting style)
4. COMPETITIVE INSTEAD OF COOPERATIVE PARENTING:
While couples yarn to come together as one blended family in marriage, the human ego has a pesky way of allowing competition to invade the safe haven needed for love. Whether it’s about who does more or who make more, or maybe it’s who works the hardest or who is in better financial shape. Here are some common competitive experiences:
1. Who gives more ( work, kids, household)
2. Who earns more ( financial shape)
3. Who is more closer to the kids ( a partner feeling inadequate)
4. Who is more respected ( who earns the kids respect more)
When we are married, we need to unlearn what growing up in a society of competitiveness has taught us – that is, be the best, prove your worth externally. This mindset can infect and divide any relationship. It’s so important that we understand that we are ONE in marriage, not separate, that choosing someone as our partner in marriage means investing in our togetherness; that when one of us goes up or
down, the other does too.
Fig 8.
Divide
(H) (CH) (CH) (W)
(sharing responsibilities and competitions among parents)
5. EFFECTIVE WAYS OF RAISING CHILDREN IN A BLENDED, UNITED HAPPY FAMILY:
Husband and wife must understand that in marriage, they both have a life journey together till death do them part; but their children’s journey with them must end somewhere half way once they are grown up and are ready to leave . (Gen 2: 24; Matt 19:5 – 6). And so they must do everything possible within their power to see that they achieve a long lasting blended, united, happy family, that will sustain them even after their children are gone ( left to start up their family).
As a marriage counselor, I proposed these four (4) steps as effective ways of raising children that will not come between the couples in their marriage; and also guarantee a blended, united happy family:
1. Take a look at how you were raised as a child.
2. Learn the 3 parenting styles and choose the best.
3. Work together as partners in parenting.
4. Make your relationship with your spouse the most important priority.
1. TAKE A LOOK AT HOW YOUR WERE RAISED AS A CHILD:
The first step is to take a look (like memory lane) back at the way each of you were raised. You Seek to understand how each of you were parented, what you liked and what you didn’t like about the way your parents raised you, and deal with it by making new resolve on better ways to handle it with your children now.
2. LEARN THE 3 PARENTING STYLES AND CHOOSE THE BEST:
There are three (3) styles of parenting, namely:
1. Authoritarian (Strict parenting)
2. Permissive (Indulgent parenting)
3. Authoritative (Support and Expectations)
Couples can consider the above parenting styles and choose the one most suitable for them, and jointly implement it as partners in the parenting. Like I mentioned earlier, the best type of parenting style that creates the healthiest environment for a growing child, and helps to foster a productive relationship between parent and children is the Authoritative parenting.
3. WORK AS PARTNERS IN PARENTING:
Parenting children is probably the most challenging job any of us will ever have in our lives. Rather than stay out and complain, be willing to work together to find middle ground where your marriage and your children can have a realm of peace. Surprisingly, it is mothers, not fathers, who bear the heaviest cost of becoming parents. Most parents slide towards gender – stereotypical ways of parenting. Women are more likely to become the “ On call” parent, the one who gets up in the night to bring a child tissue or who is called by the school nurse.
4. PUT YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT IN MARRIAGE:
Talking about priorities in marriage, I believe that next to your relationship with Christ, the most important priority in your life is your relationship with your spouse. If there is any form of misplaced priority in your marriage today that brings a crack in the wall of your marriage, please what you simply need to do is to sit down with your spouse and talk about the issue at hand in a healthy, non – confrontational way that allows for open and effective communication and resolution of the matter.
EFFECTIVE WAYS OF RAISING CHILDREN
fig 8.fig 9.
(H) (W)(H) (W) (Child)
(Husband and wife, ( Husband and wife with a child beside them).
Before having children)
Fig 10.Fig 11.
(Ch) (H) (W) (CH) (Ch) (Ch) (H) (W) (Ch) (Ch)
(Husband and wife with two children) (Husband and wife with four children)
Fig 12.
(H) (W)
(Husband and wife after the children are grown and left)
7. As married couples and parents, we must know that children are God’s heritage and blessings to every marriage (Psa. 127:3 – 5). They are not meant to be a distraction between husband and wife or cause division in the family. It is unfortunately the way we receive and manage these children when they arrive in our different marriages and households that determines the satisfaction we get from their presence in our midst.
The Bible encourage us in proverb 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it”. So it is resting on us to make out of our children what we want so that we can have a blended, united, and happy family.
Posted by Bro-Godwin-Bassey
Aug. 4, 2024, 11 p.m.